Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

By: Ellie Graham

How do you want to be treated? How do you treat other people? What behaviors won’t you tolerate? How do you show up for others in your daily life? 

These are a few critical questions to ask yourself when you begin the journey of establishing healthy boundaries.

The notion of “boundaries” can sometimes carry a negative connotation. However, boundary setting is the foundation for building a healthy environment for yourself and those who surround you. Everyone deserves to feel safe and comfortable within their relationships. Still, one must also recognize that healthy relationships cannot be formed externally unless you have done the work to set boundaries with your inner self as well. Once you have spent time with your inner self, then you will more easily exude the strength and self-confidence to set boundaries in your daily life.

“Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others” (Nedra Glover Tawwab). 

Invoking a discussion surrounding personal boundaries can prove to be a challenge. However, boundaries are crucial because establishing positive behavior norms and being able to recognize negative ones will lead you to more success in your interpersonal relationships.  

There are two parts to setting healthy boundaries: communication and action. 

Verbally communicating what you need in relationships is the first step. People cannot read your mind, even those who know you best, so you need to explicitly state your expectations without leaving room for misinterpretation. 

Action means standing by what you communicate through behavior. When a boundary you set is violated, you must reinforce the boundary with action. When people understand your boundaries and see you honor them, they will respect them.. If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either. 

It is not easy to set boundaries, and I too often struggle with setting them. Think of a scenario where your personal values were violated because you struggled with communicating your needs. Then, try to think of a way you could have better defined your boundaries to feel more comfortable. 

Example:  I struggle having a hard time saying no and people-pleasing. An example of this is when I overextend myself and feel like people will be angry with me if I say no to even the simplest of things.

Last winter, I had exams and two friends asked me to drive them to the airport within two hours of each other. Even though I had to study, I said yes to both of them despite not having the time to drive thirty minutes both ways twice. These two people are my friends and they obviously wouldn’t have been upset if I had said no. However, I felt obligated to say yes. 

A way I could have approached this better is by simply saying no without apologizing because at the time it was the best decision for me to study. It is important to be able to say no without feeling responsible for others feelings about it. In trying to please everyone, you can be left with little energy to care for yourself. 

Even being aware of your boundaries and what you need in the moment makes a huge difference. Being aware of what is best for you is not selfish, and it will make all your relationships flourish. People will see that you communicate your needs and will feel comfortable setting boundaries with you as well. 

Reference List 

Bigley. “How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships.” Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials, Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials, 12 July 2022, health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries/. 

Tawwab, Nedra Glover. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. A TarcherPerigee Book, 2021.