Let’s Get Deep: A Guide to Deeper Conversations
By Lauryn Gladd
Small talk: a necessary but sometimes dull way of communicating. Do you want to surpass the surface-level banter about the weather or what you did over the weekend? If you’re looking for deeper connections or more lively conversations, it may be time to skip the small talk.
Recently, on a study abroad trip to Italy, I found myself on a three hour bus ride with a group of classmates who I didn’t know well...yet. Looking to kill time, we started coming up with deep conversation starters, and, long story short, we somehow found ourselves analyzing the influence of our parents’ parenting styles on our lives and what our most meaningful experiences in life have been thus far. At first, I felt slightly uncomfortable opening up to strangers, especially since I was so accustomed to small talk; however, as the busride proceeded, I learned a lot about my classmates and even enjoyed reflecting on my own life.
Why are people so hesitant to have deeper conversations? It turns out that the barriers holding people back from opening up are really just “miscalibrated expectations''(Kardas et al., 2021). According to one study that compared participants’ expectations and realities of deep conversations found that participants “expected others to care less about their disclosures in conversation than others actually did.” In addition, “conversations between strangers felt less awkward, and created more connectedness and happiness, than the participants themselves expected” (Kardas et al., 2021). Another study similarly found that a higher well-being was associated with having less small talk and more substantive conversations (Mehl et al., 2010).
How can you start having more substantive conversations? Keep reading for a few key things to keep in mind. First, you should practice active listening, this means you really listen to what the person is saying instead of pondering how you’re going to respond, or are otherwise being distracted by something else outside your conversation. In other words, listen “with the intent to understand” (Foulkes, 2021). Second, it is helpful to ask open-ended questions to allow the other person to express themselves. Simply asking a follow-up question such as “why do you think that was” or “how did that make you feel” can help facilitate more meaningful conversations. Third, don’t be afraid to share something more personal about yourself. This “self-disclosure” often encourages your conversation partner to open up as well, mostly due to the so-called “norm of reciprocity”(Foulkes, 2021). Overall, enter a conversation with an open mind and a readiness to learn something new. You could also try a more creative approach and use some of the conversation starters below!
Deep Conversation Starters
If money was no object, what would you do all day?
What’s the best piece of advice someone has given you?
What experience or memory do you wish you could re-live in your lifetime?
What are three things that have been on your mind a lot recently?
Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
If your house caught on fire and you only had time to grab one item (after your loved ones and pets were all safe), what would you go back for?
What is a relationship deal-breaker for you?
What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?
What is one dream you have yet to accomplish?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?
Reference List:
Foulkes, L. (2021, April 28). How to have more meaningful conversations: Psyche guides. Psyche. Retrieved February 25, 2022, from https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-have-more-meaningful-conversations
Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2021). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000281
Liles, M. (2021, June 15). 250 deep questions to ask a guy or girl-or really anyone you want to know better. Parade. Retrieved February 24, 2022, from https://parade.com/1043059/marynliles/deep-questions/
Mehl, M. R., Vazire, S., Holleran, S. E., & Clark, C. S. (2010, February 18). Eavesdropping on happiness: Well-being is related to having less small talk and more substantive conversations. Psychological science. Retrieved February 25, 2022, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2861779