Long Distance Relationships

By Kika Gomez

For most of the past months (and I could even go as far as saying for the past couple years at this point), we have been living in isolation both literally and figuratively. News headlines, social media, and even our external environment are constant reminders of our rapid separation and distancing from not only our familiar day to day lives and routines, but also our relationships. As we were forced to acclimate into this closed off atmosphere at the beginning of March 2020, we were faced with a difficult challenge: the heavy and overwhelming burden of having to maintain long distance relationships.

This concept, however, is not entirely new nor completely foreign for some. Moving into a new town or traveling across the country, studying abroad for school, or simply meeting someone away from home are all examples of transitions or interactions which mean you are now responsible for maintaining a long distance relationship. Although a ‘long distance relationship’ is self-explanatory, to reiterate, this term is a common label attached to time and spatial separation (journal of social and personal 694); it encompasses all relationships that are “larger than their physical co-presences,” and is not limited to simply romantic relationships but also includes dynamics between friends, family and any other acquaintances physically distant from us. 

While easy accessible virtual communication and an active social media presence facilitate our ability to sustain long distance relationships, it does not necessarily mean that it’s easy – nor that we are all equally as good at doing so. In a study conducted by Youngstown State University published by the Journal of Technology Research, it was found that 64% of college students “still prefer face-to-face interaction” (Baym, Zhang and Lin 2004). Social media sure comes as close as it gets to simulating what is lost when we are unable to be there in person; social media allows us to be there in spirit, but it cannot replace the visceral feelings that coincide with physical interaction, contact or the emotional connection that is built and shared with a person once we relate with them face-to-face. Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that our relationships are not only entirely reliant on social media but more importantly, that because “communication is a solitary activity,” meaning it occurs in the solitude of our homes and headspaces – often in closed environments – it’s between just us and our devices. The issue here is that as we try to maintain these relationships from a geographical distance through our phones and other electronics, we become distant from our present - our current environment. We face the challenge of being present and fostering the relationships we have now in real time, while still  simultaneously remembering past friendships or relationships from previous walks of life that we still have an interest in maintaining. 

How do we solve this issue? How do we address this internal tension between our past and present? It is in our discovery for a solution that we are presented with a moment and opportunity for personal growth, allowing us to acknowledge that each and every one of us is living separate lives in our own physical reality, but even those relationships that now seem distant to us can still be a part of it, in some way or another. It is as easy as reconnecting with a distant friend to ask them how their day has been, giving that someone a quick phone call, leaving a loved one a voice message to tell them about your day, sending someone you miss a picture or a video, introducing old friends to new friends; ultimately, it is the small things that let them know that they still matter to you. As this vacancy left behind by a long distance friend is filled with the arrival of a new relationship, we find ourselves at ease in knowing that our memories and moments still remain intact - you see, new relationships are not meant to act as replacements, but participants in the making of new memories and experiences when time and distance intervenes. 

Studying the case of maintenance of long distance relationships, mainly romantic relationships, has been in the interest of numerous psychologists and scientific journals given the impact and potential strain that these may bring to individuals in the prime times of their lives. According to Katheryn C. Maguire on her publication on long-distance dating relationships, “somewhere between 25% and 50% of college student dating relationships can be classified as long distance” (Aylor 2003; Maines, 1993; Stafford, 2005) As we arrive in college, we must inevitably grapple with newly found expectations and demands, adapt to a new environment that is largely unfamiliar to us, come across individuals that are different from us, and settle into a new type of lifestyle we know nothing about. In other words, you are in the process of finding who you are alone, which becomes complicated when you are used to knowing who you are with another person. The fact that “people want to be a part of relationships, but they also desire being their own person,” suddenly becomes a reality. 

In the case of any long distance relationship, romantic or not, it comes down to knowing and determining who you are as your own independent person first, without sacrificing those relationships you have worked so hard to maintain. 

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Reference List:

Maguire, Katheryn C. “‘Will It Ever End?’: A (Re)examination of Uncertainty in College Student Long-Distance Dating Relationships.” Communication Quarterly 55, no. 4 (2007): 415-432. 

Maguire, Katheryn C. & Terry A. Kinney, “When Distance is Problematic: Communication, Coping, and Relational Satisfaction in Female College Students’ Long-Distance Dating Relationships.” Journal of Applied Communication Research 38, no. 1 (2010): 27-46. 

Sponcil, Megan & Priscilla Gitimu, “Use of social media by college students: Relationship to communication and self-concept.” Journal of Technology Research, 1-14. 
Sahlstein, Erin M., “Relating at a distance: Negotiating being together and being apart in long-distance relationships.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 21, no. 5 (2004): 689-710.